New York, New York

Statue of Liberty at night (Battery Park, 12th Dec 2015)

Last night I had the honour of being part of a wonderful experience-I was witness to an eclectic collection of self expression by many within a friend’s apartment in Brooklyn. As I was heading home in the subway with Erica she said, “So after that amazing experience, do I just go home and sleep? That doesn’t feel right-I just want to go home and write about it”-I agree-it was an experience that should be put into a time capsule. This morning, a friend commented on a note I wrote 3 years ago about connecting to the compassionate and loving sides of ourselves (https://www.facebook.com/notes/kama...) and she observed that I had come a long way since then and I agree that my experience in New York has contributed greatly towards this. Triggered by these two things and also realizing that I am at my two week mark for my departure home, I felt that I needed to collect my thoughts and vignettes of my experiences which have helped me evolve spiritually in the past 2 ½ years in USA-because life’s experiences and our spiritual journey are intrinsically linked to each other.

Opening my mind and soul to diversity - Last night encapsulated what I love about New York the most-it’s incredible diversity and culture, which is informed and infused by people who were either forced to migrate to this country, who came here in search of a better life or are 1st,2nd or 3rd generation migrants. While I have thoroughly enjoyed the polished talent of opera singers, actors and musicians, what I have seen at the Apollo Theatre, in the subway and at open mic night last night are performances that have moved me the most. I feel so connected to the vulnerability of these people giving their all with so much passion and reverence to make that break in a city that promises so much to many. I have felt that my heart would burst just watching and listening to them bless us with their talent, like last night- I felt so honoured to listen to a girl (Dominique) perform in public for the first time and a dancer (Erica) accompany and support her-it was beautiful. New York has helped me “see” people beyond their brisk and detached strides – I see their incredible talent and desire to live and express themselves. Their lives have also stimulated my mind about the immense challenges and racism many people face on a day to day basis and the constant fight against it all.

Understanding privilege and power - Working at an International NGO has also helped me explore the dynamics around racism and inequity within organizations and across many spheres. I moved from being one of the most privileged majority groups in Sri Lanka as a Sinhala Buddhist, to a minority group. I have understood the struggles of the minorities, African Americans and those from the global South at a much deeper level through the many stimulating conversations I was lucky enough to have with my colleagues. I have felt the need to be guided by the South African term “Ubuntu “ (I am who I am because of who you are) more than ever given the terrible crisis’ tormenting this planet today.

Unconditional love- When I arrived in Baltimore I found myself on the doorstep of an amazing family which almost immediately absorbed me into theirs. They showed me what it was like to be magnanimous and welcoming, and I appreciated it even more as I was the recipient of their love-which kept me going as I yearned for home and that Sri Lankan cup of tea :-) . I was also lucky as I had an Advisor and Thesis Supervisor who also treated me with so much love. I made amazing friends and met inspiring people at a university that kept the health and wellbeing of other at the centre of it’s work.

Touching my work - My volunteer work at PAWS (NY) was very humbling. In Sri Lanka I have carried out my community and volunteer work mainly from the comfort of my desk or from a position of authority. I have been a person who will strategize, network, develop concepts and guide implementers. At PAWS NY I had to use my hands again-I had to clean litter boxes that were sometimes infested with cockroaches and I more or less counselled my client, a persevering and big hearted woman who was disabled and had such a giving heart. Touching, feeling, getting dirty and messy with our work is so important to fully experience it.

I found my voice - it took me 40 years but I finally felt confident enough to express myself as I wanted to in my work around women and girls. I was able to push the Sri Lankan government to investigate an alleged rape and murder case of a girl, which would have gone underground in the blink of an eye had I not taken action. Subsequently I found myself writing articles for the online papers as I was tired of pursuing journalists to write about GBV and these were well received. This confidence led me to pair up with an amazing woman I know to present a secondary data analysis at one of the most prestigious global conferences on GBV in South Africa. A few friends also seeded the thought of starting my own organization at home based on the messages I was putting across. Time will tell how my plans will work out but I have learned the importance of following my passion and being authentic as I have finally realized that we can truly move mountains with our faith.

Seeking connectedness - Through my experiences of living in this huge city I understood the need for authentic connectedness. I have seen too many peering into their phones and tablets instead of communicating and feeling the person right next to them. Last night one of the poets said that the “I” in“Iphone” stood for focusing on the “I” and blocking out others. I wanted to explore what I treasured and I realized it wasn’t the glitz, glamour and money that a place like New York could offer, but the love, warmth, authentic friendships and connectedness of my family and friends from home. I have also learned to feel, connect with and honour nature, trees, earth and animals around me.

My spiritual practice - There are many more lessons and they are too many to list here, but I needed to end with the best and most important. All these experiences have helped me land gently in this important path of inner and spiritual exploration. I have told many that I felt that I was meant to live in New York to develop spiritually. A few years ago I believed that I could only do that towards the latter stages of my life, but I learned from my Reiki teacher in Sri Lanka that as humans we are meant to live and grow as spiritual beings while getting on with our daily lives. That is when it becomes meaningful. A few may know that I am a Reiki initiate and being one has brought so many amazing things into my life and I have had the honour of helping many through my practice. In New York I found another great teacher who initiated me into Adepthood which opened many doors of self exploration and finding the light within. But I also learned that teachers can be found in many places-through experiences as mentioned above, or friends who widen my horizons by sharing their practice or through interactions with people down the street, my cats’ former owner or even by the unconditional love shown by my own pets.

Our best teacher - But I think perhaps the most important lesson I have learned in the past 2.5 years is that we are our best teachers. Through my intuition and curiosity I have explored many traditions across the peoples of Africa, Asia to the Native Americans and religious approaches of Buddhism, Christianity, Judaism and Sufiism. I have realized how they complement each other and how synchronized they all actually are. I have also journeyed inward to see my dark and messy self, which is also known as “Shadow work”. I have understood the need to balance the inner darkness with the light. I think we are the best judges of what our souls need to seek it’s true self.

I have also come full circle to my note written in 2012 to understand the importance of loving my self in a way where I know how to honour my inner voice and how and when to draw boundaries. I have also learned how important it is to view all beings as extensions of myself and be more compassionate. I have learned how love and faith can truly move mountains.

What will be next is yet to be discovered, but I know that everything will unfold as it is meant to.

..and now to the next step in my journey :-)

The daily warfare women and children in Sri Lanka face in their homes and communities

The names of Vidhya Sivaloganathan, Seya Sadewmini and Kesara Kahandaliyanage have made the headlines in Sri Lanka for the wrong and tragic reasons. All three of these people and countless other women, men and children have been victims of violence of the vilest kind, sexual violence leading to physical, emotional violence and even death. This violence is also referred to as gender based violence (GBV). This violence robbed Vidhya and Seya of their childhood and lives. Their lives and experiences have finally forced Sri Lankans to talk about GBV and how it must end.

The issue of GBV is not an issue from the western world as we can see very much for ourselves. Our South Asian culture has done well to cover up this shameful secret and epidemic of our time. It is very much a global issue. As Prof Rashida Manjoo, the Former UN Special Rapporteur on Violence against Women, its Causes and Consequences stated recently, that if the rates of GBV, especially violence against women and girls were counted properly GBV should be referred to a “warfare that women and girls experience in their homes and communities on a daily basis”.

GBV is a result of societies viewing women and girls as unequal beings in their communities. It is a violent expression of power expressed mainly by men as the system of patriarchy supports and allows their continued  use of harmful attitudes, beliefs and practices towards women and girls. 

GBV and consequences in Sri Lanka

As a snapshot of the issue in Sri Lanka, a report[1] which sought to capture prevalance rates of violence against women and girls reflected that 14% of men in its sample from four districts in Sri Lanka had admitted to perpetrating sexual violence including rape. Over half of the men who admitted to perpetrating sexual violence including rape stated they felt sexually entitled to do this. Alarmingly 1/3^rd of the men that had perpetrated acts of sexual violence including rape against women said that they had been teenagers at the time they committed their first rape. Over half the sample stated that their first perpetration of rape was when they were within the ages 20-29, the time when most men enter marriage. Disturbingly almost all the men in these four districts had faced no legal consequences for perpetrating rape, which shows the very high levels of impunity that exist in Sri Lanka.

Women and children become more vulnerable to GBV as our courts grant suspended sentences to the perpetrators of statutory rape, our legal system does not recognize marital rape and law enforcement officials do not see this violence as “grievous hurt” as it would be viewed in other circumstances under the Penal Code. There are also context specific layers which increase the vulnerability of women and girls such as female headed households and heavy military presence experienced in the North, Plantation settings which include poor living conditions, sanitation and propagation of cultural traditions; and internal and external migration of female unskilled workers who have little protection when they are removed from their homes and communities for employment.

Kesara’s case has also shown how our legal system is not ready to deal with sexual violence perpetrated against a man as well as a person who is disabled. His perpetrators were given bail despite the fact that he was raped repeatedly over a period of four months. Is the judge’s order a reflection of his own belief that men who experience sexual violence are not worthy of equal protection of the law ?

What needs to be done?

While the government, legislators, health service providers and civil society have a big task ahead of them to facilitate an environment of zero tolerance of GBV and provide an adequate legal and psychosocial response, each individual has an important role to play too. As the Sinhala saying goes “when you point an accusing finger to another, your three remaining fingers point towards you”. Each person needs to reflect on their own beliefs on whether they do believe that women, girls, children and people with disabilities should be treated equally. Each person must check  whether they harbor harmful and violent attitudes towards these groups and whether they call out on their own friends, sons or colleagues who act on their own harmful attitudes and behaviors. Each one of us individually needs  to take responsibility for this issue if we want to end GBV in Sri Lanka.

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[1] de Mel, N., P. Peiris and S. Gomez (2013). Broadening Gender: Why Masculinities Matter—Attitudes, Practices and Gender-Based Violence in Four Districts in Sri Lanka. Colombo: CARE Sri Lanka

Why I am against the death penalty

I have been reading so  many articles for and against the death penalty being re-activated in Sri Lanka. I have also come across people who think that those who are against it may be out of their minds.  For the life of me I cannot see why a person who is against sentencing people to death can be out of their minds.

The conversation and debate around re-introducing the death penalty has been triggered by the terrible rape and murder of a 5 year old child, Seya Sadewmini.  I am shocked by the brutal way her life was taken away from her. Though I have read about thousands of atrocities committed towards humans, women, men and children especially in the area of gender based violence, I can never prepare myself for the sadness and disgust that I feel when I read about stories like hers.

My question though is, how does taking the life of an alleged perpetrator change that? How does it reduce the possibility of this happening to another child? It is still a moot point whether the death penalty has any significant impact on reducing crime.

Actually let me correct what I was trying to ask. My biggest question is how do we as humans or as Buddhists (as Sri Lanka is supposedly a Buddhist country) cry out for another person’s death? Hasn’t our country seen enough dehumanization? We had the LTTE who killed people in the vilest ways, we had our own government at varying stages allowing the massacre of Tamils in 1983, massacring youth from the South as well as thousands of Tamils trapped in the No Fire Zone during the last stages of the war. We also had the JVP who took the lives of thousands without a shred of conscience in the 90’s. And then we had the Budu Bala Sena riot in Aluthgama leading to the taking of lives of four innocent people. These are instances I have heard about in Sri Lanka during my lifetime on this planet.

Hasn’t our country seen enough dehumanization? Shouldn’t it stop with our generation?

A few years ago I was chilled to the bone when I saw  Nicholas Kristoff interviewing an 8 year old Buddhist child in Myanmar. He asked him what he would do if he saw another Rohingya child his age. Without any hesitation the child said, “I will kill him”. I thought to myself as I saw that video, what have we done to our children for them to feel so much hate that taking another child’s life means nothing.

Is this the legacy we wish to leave for the next generation? For them to see killing as a way of dealing with anything ranging from ethnicity, religion to crimes committed by others?

Don’t we just become as inhuman as those who commit these terrible acts against other humans?

The answer to reducing such crimes against women, children, transgendered people and men starts with each individual as well as in all pathways leading to the criminal system.

We are all to blame for not only Seya’s death, but Vidhya’s, Jerusha’s[i] and many others. How many of us instead of holding the men who committed these crimes accountable, question first of “what these girls or children were wearing” or “why were they traveling alone” or “how could a parent or guardian allow a child to travel along that road alone?”.  If Vidhya had been wearing a short skirt instead of a school uniform would the public have reacted differently?  How many of us have seen our male friends talk about women as sexual objects or worse still join in with their eve teasing or other harmful behaviours without stopping them or questioning them? How many of you men and young people have sat comfortably in your seats and “liked” or “retweeted”  posts on such violence or just signed petitions and felt good about yourself without in so much as joining us on the streets when we protest or committing to constructively ending GBV? I have encountered a few men who do support our protests against GBV but feel a little awkward if their colleagues or peers would get to know about it. How many of us have called men who do stand up actively to end GBV “wimps” or “not manly”?.  It is only in the past few months we have seen members of the public, other than GBV activists coming forward openly against these atrocities.

A recent study conducted in Sri Lanka showed that almost all men who perpetrate rape face absolutely no consequences, either from their families, friends or the legal system[ii]. Instead of holding rapists accountable we lament about how a girl or woman’s honor has been violated! We shame the victim or survivor! Seya or Vidhya never “asked for it”! We have seen the statistics which state that so many children face sexual abuse on a daily basis and the perpetrators are either family members or people known to them. We need to empower children to be able to speak out when they feel something wrong is going on in their worlds. Instead what we do is discredit them and tell them that “that person would NEVER do something like that!”. If it is a boy we tell them “to be a man” or “don’t take this seriously as we also went through the same thing” so they will not complain or stand up for themselves.

WE INDIVIDUALLY  AND IMPLICITLY SUPPORT GBV.

This court system we are hoping will be able to sentence the right men to death have released so many alleged perpetrators either through suspended sentences or acquittals, especially in cases of statutory rape (in instances of forced sex with a minor). In Kesara’s case the judge gave bail to four men who raped a disabled person repeatedly over a period of four months at Green Cabin.  In Saranya’s case no DNA testing was done despite her body being exhumed. In Jerusha’s case we found the Kilinochchi police using unspeakable amounts of violence on her mother and family. Transgendered people or homosexuals have experienced very high levels of violence at the hands of the police as they use the archaic criminalization of homosexuality in our laws to intimidate and exploit them[iii]. If Marital rape was illegal in Sri Lanka there would be many husbands facing the gallows! These are the many shortcomings in our judicial process. These are also the same institutions and law enforcement agencies we are hoping will enforce fair judgement on other people. Our state and judicial apparatus has a lot of reviewing to do of it’s own processes before they sound the death knell on others.

What our country needs is an attitude of zero tolerance towards violence. And after an honest reflection and change of harmful attitudes you hold,  a practice  of calling out people who perpetrate violence and hold them accountable, not the baying for another person’s blood. We also need to get actively involved in ensuring our current systems leave no loopholes for offenders.

The human conscience is a sacred thing. Tainting it is easy-trying to keep it pure is the greatest challenge of our human race. But keeping it that way will only help out collective consciousness and the human race. Taking another person’s life or even harming it will never bring those lives back. If at all it will de-humanize you. Shall we actually try to be Buddhists instead of raising that identity when a person wears clothes with the image of Lord Buddha on them? Shall we actually practice what he preached and break this cycle of violence?

Hasn’t our country seen enough dehumanization? Shouldn’t it stop with our generation?

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[i] http://www.ft.lk/article/458805/The-case-of-Little-Jerusha

[ii] de Mel, N., P. Peiris and S. Gomez (2013). Broadening Gender: Why Masculinities Matter—Attitudes,

Practices and Gender-Based Violence in Four Districts in Sri Lanka. Colombo: CARE Sri Lanka
[iii]Nichols, A, (2010) Dance Ponnaya, Dance! Police Abuses Against Transgender Sex Workers in Sri Lanka, Feminist Criminology,  5(2), 195-222.  Can be accessed: http://fcx.sagepub.com/content/5/2/195.abstract

The legacy of parents

In 1967 two people take a brave step to go to a foreign country with their only belongings in a suitcase. To a place they had only read and learned about through newspapers, books and stories of friends who had ventured to England. They left their families, friends and the only security they knew behind. They left at a time when phone calls overseas could only be made via call collect. When telegrams, not text messages were the ways they received news. They left thinking of the future of their unborn children. 

This is what parents do....

Those two brave people were my parents. I am a product of their belief and trust in the unknown. They are like many parents who take huge risks for their children, born or unborn.  For time immemorial parents have left their homes with just the clothes on their backs and their life savings in their bags for the hope of securing a better future and life than what they experienced, for their children. I see this phenomena interwoven in many lives of my peers around me in USA and perhaps in our own choices we are creating more opportunities for generations yet to come.

Because of  their choices I can speak and converse easily in English. Because of their choices I have had opportunities to access the best educational institutes. Because of their choices I can access a vast range of  resources and people. Because of their choices I have lived a privileged life. Because of their choices I have no fear of venturing into unknown places.

I hope the choices I have made have honoured theirs...

Amma and Dad boarding the plane in 1967 for England

(Inspired by a session of the "Call to men workshop" on 3rd Nov. Central Park, 3rd Nov, 2014)

Fear

Fear of loneliness?

Fear of death?

Fear of getting lost and not being found?

A fear so overpowering I want to turn back

I break into a  cold sweat

A part of me wants to cry

My heart thumps

Why?

Why should I feel so scared when I am in my natural habitat?

Among the trees, earth, air from which I came?

Why can’t I be vulnerable?

Why do I need to be in places where I feel safe?

Why am I afraid to surrender?

I decide to give in  to what is meant to be

I decide to look into fear’s eyes squarely

And shed that heavy black cloak that was pulling me down, almost to my knees,

making it so difficult to breathe,

And I feel free instead

I feel protected and am ready to face what is meant to be

I realised it was me who  was holding onto the black cloak

I could not look into fear’s eyes. They were not there, they were reflections of my own

(Blue Mountains, NY, Aug '14)

Stillness

It is that moment a deer locks her beautiful liquid eyes with yours

When you sit on a rock and gaze out towards the full and flowing Hudson river with mountains in the background

Standing still in a forest and being there...in that moment

Hearing the birds chirping their song,

listening to their music

Naked

What stands here is just me, in this present moment

When you let go of your “self”, your ego. And you are at one with nature. All boundaries are erased

Superficial human boundaries defined by clothes, where we’re from, are removed

Ultimately when you are at one with nature you are who you’re meant to be

A being passing through

Who is supposed to “see” the wonder of what is around them

To breathe it, feel it, feel the balance of nature

Untouched by humans

Virgin and pure

I found it difficult

I kept thinking of conversations with friends,

Conversations I hope will occur

Conversations with myself

There was so much chatter that it was taking too long to get to that place of “silence” and “stillness”

To be here, now, this very moment which will ever be mine again

I need to see the sandy bottom beyond the still and pure water

soon

(Blue Mountain, NY, Aug, '14)

The Goddess

She raises her head

Alert, ears flicking forward

Nostrils flaring

Her delicate eyes seemingly filled with black ink, look concerned, outlined with kajal like a fish

Her, long  and elegant neck tenses. It is strong, light brown, smooth with the clear vein running almost diagonally across

An innocence so pure

So gentle and delicate

But intertwined with unspoken strength and elegance

She is regal

My breath catches in my throat

I don’t want to move as I am enraptured by her beauty

I want to reach out and stroke the length of her strong neck, she stands that close to me

..almost hoping her strength could be transferred to me

But it is as  if I am turned into stone

I don’t want to intrude on this moment by breathing

I am humbled

I feel my heart weeping with gratitude for this incredible moment

(Blue Mountain, NY, Aug, '14)